Monday, March 31, 2014

The Hunters. (March 31)

Two hunters were sitting in a tavern, arguing about who was the better hunter. They decided to bet a tall glass of beer each that they could kill and return with a killing first. 

One took up his hunting rifle and went out, and the other got into a fighter plane, found a lion, and killed it no problem. 

Forty-five minutes after the first hunter returned, the second returned. In disbelief, he asked how he did it so fast. The first hunter replied "Everyone knows that a strafed lion is the shortest distance between two pints." 

The Career Squeeze. (March 31)

Sunday, March 30, 2014

Crime and Punishment. (March 30)

The police found and arrested two young people the other day. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. 

They charged one ... and let the other one off. 

The Picnic Table. (March 30)

Saturday, March 29, 2014

The Paint Job. (March 29)

A woman answered the knock at her door and found a destitute man. He wanted to earn money by doing odd jobs, so she asked, "Can you paint?" 

"Yes," he said, "I'm a pretty good painter." 

"Well, here's a gallon of green paint and a brush. Go behind the house and you'll see a porch that needs repainting. Be very careful. When you are done, I'll look it over and pay you what it's worth." 

It wasn't more than an hour before he knocked again. "All finished!" he reported with a smile.

"Did you do a good job?" she asked. 

"Yes, but lady, there's one thing I'd like to point out to you. That's not a Porsche back there. That's a Mercedes."


Becoming a Vegetarian. (March 29)

Friday, March 28, 2014

The Ken Doll. (March 28)

A mother bought her daughter a Ken doll that had real hair. One day the mother noticed that the hair had lice in it. She was disgusted and decided to boil the doll in a pan. As the lice died she carefully skimmed them out of the water with a ladle.

Unfortunately, the stench of the dead lice caused her to sneeze and she blew the dead lice all over the stove.

Moral: "The best ladled pans of lice and Ken oft turn to spray." 

Renewable Energy? (March 28)

Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Mite. (March 27)

Rare Animals. (March 27)

It's the 1930's and a member of the New York explorers club is hunting for rare animals in darkest Africa. 

He comes across the strangest looking beast he has ever seen. It's a quarter part elephant, a quarter monkey, a quarter hippo and a quarter tiger and with a very sweet disposition. 

They cage it and ship it to New York to the explorers club where he exhibits the creature that he calls a "Rarey" and gives a talk on it before the members. 

Over a short period of time he notices that the Rarey is growing extremely fast and is soon too large to keep in a cage. He decides to return it to its home in Africa even though there is not enough food around to keep it alive. They reach the edge of a tall cliff and they both look over knowing that the Rarey, unable to survive, must go over the edge to his death. 

The explorer says "Good bye old friend I will miss you". To his surprise the Rarey speaks for the first time. It looks down over the steep cliff and sings, "It's a long way to Tipperary". 

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

The Bee Hive. (March 26)

A long time ago, there was a beehive in the middle of a forest. Every day, as worker bees do, they would go out into their fields, gather pollen from the flowers, and bring it back to make honey. 

The bees had a problem, though, because every so often an intruder would come around, such as a bear who wanted the honey, or kids who thought it'd be fun to throw rocks at the hive. Finally, the bees got tired of it. 

Being the intelligent bees that they are, they built an alarm system for the hive. They built it such that one bee pulls a lever, which triggers the alarm that the bees will hear from the fields, and then the bees can come back to protect their home. 

There was one bee who was exclusively assigned that job, and he was aptly named the "Lever Bee." His job was to watch for potential adversaries, and pull the lever to raise the alarm. 

Now clearly, the safety of the hive depends on this one Lever Bee. So it stands to reason that he has to be constantly ready and on the alert so that he can do his job. 

And that, friends, is why people say, "I'm as ready as a Lever Bee." 

Some Putin Puns. (March 26)

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Stool Sample. (March 25)

Carnival Games. (March 25)

The carnival was in town at Nottingham, so Robin Hood told the boys they could go in and have some fun. 

There were lots of games and at one booth, you could win a prize by hitting a ten cent silver coin with a lance thrown from twenty paces. 

As Friar Tuck was passing the booth, the guy running the game called out to him: "Hey,Brother, can you spear a dime?" 

Monday, March 24, 2014

Guest Speaker. (March 24)

The Circus. (March 24)

This three hundred and fifty pound woman shows up at a run-down circus, looking for a job as a flying trapeze artist. 

The incredulous ringmaster gives her an audition, and is so impressed he tells her she's hired. There's one condition: she goes on last. 

On opening night, the other acts are so bad, some of the spectators begin to leave. The ringmaster, seeing this, runs out and cries, "Don't go now, folks, the show aint over till the fat lady swings!" 

Sunday, March 23, 2014

Don't Mess Around. (March 23)

The teacher asked if anyone could tell the class a story with a moral. Little Johnny volunteered the following: 

"Out West, in the town of Diablo, there was a guy named Stanley, who was president of the Creative Credit Loan Company. He was proud of being able to arrange loans for almost anyone. One day as he was locking up to go home, some tough guys accosted him and started to push him around because he was small in stature and mild mannered. Stanley also held a Third Degree Black Belt in Karate. He counterattacked, and gave the tough guys a thrashing they would'nt forget." 

Said the teacher, "Good, Johnny, now tell us what is the moral of your story." 

Johnny replied, "Well, the moral is, if you're ever out in Diablo, don't mess around with the loan arranger." 

Church Mice. (March 23)

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Ink Spots. (March 22)

One ink spot walked up to another ink spot and asked, "Why are you crying?" 

The other ink spot replied "Because my dad is in the pen and I don't know how long the sentence will be!"

Tired? (March 22)

Friday, March 21, 2014

Catching Outlaws? (March 21)

The group of cowboys riding with the sheriff was not gaining on the outlaws at all. The sheriff asked for suggestions. One of the cowboys said, "We could add a male bovine to our group."

The sheriff nodded and said, "That's posse bull." 

Passive Aggressive. (March 21)

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Castle Dracula. (March 20)

Justin Hill and Julie Hill were just married and decided to spend their honeymoon in an old beat up castle that belonged to Count Dracula.

As they went from the airport to the Count's Castle they encountered bad weather and poor visibility. Besides they were tired and heavily jet lagged and so Justin Hill met with a horrendous accident. 

As they lay in the pouring rain, bleeding heavily one of the hands at the castle spotted the accident and came rushing to their aid and notified the Count about the unfortunate accident. The count examined them in the bunker of the Castle and realized they were dying and he could not do anything about it. 

The Count became dejected and went up to his chamber and started playing on his church organ very soulful and sombre music.

As the music wafted down to the bunker, the assembled helpers began to hear Justin Hill moaning and a while later Julie Hill began moaning in pain too. 

Upon hearing this, one of the helpers dashed out of the bunker and charged up the stairs to the chamber of the Count.

"Master! Master!!", he panted, out of breath. 

"What is it!", growled Count Dracula angry to be disturbed. 

"Master, The Hills are alive with the Sound of Music!"

What's Your Emergency? (March 20)

Have any aspirins? (March 19)

The Cemetery. (March 19)

Joe: Did you hear about the cemetery down the street? 

Bob: Yea, i heard people were dying to get in! 

Joe: That's very punny! 

Bob: I also heard people couldn't afford to be buried there. It cost tomb much.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Career Overalls. (March 18)

Berings. (March 18)

Ten Thousand years ago the first humans came to North America by crossing over from Russia to Alaska. They hadn't actually intended to do this. They got lost and couldn't get their Berings Strait. 

Monday, March 17, 2014

St. Patrick's Day Puns. (March 17)

Okay, I rish it was more of a pun.   Thought I could snake this one by you.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Survival, Kit Carson Style. (March 16)

When Kit Carson wasn't out exploring, he lived on a small farm. One day, the famous frontiersman decided to surprise his wife with eggs and fish for breakfast. 

Arising early, he went down to the henhouse and collected some fresh eggs. There were only six. 

On the way back, he stopped at the pond and landed a magnificient large-mouth bass. He wasn't sure how to carry everything---then he had an idea. He carefully dropped the eggs inside the fish and started for home. Suddenly, the Western hero found himself confronted by a mean, hungry looking wolf. Fearing that he might become a meal for the canine, he threw the bass aside and hurried up a nearby tree. From there, he watched as the wolf grabbed his fish, eggs and all, and ran off. 

When Carson got back home empty handed, he related the adventure to Mrs. Carson, who responded, saying, "You shouldn't have put all your eggs in one bass, Kit." 

Two Films Meet at a Bar. (March 16)

Saturday, March 15, 2014

Carbon Dating. (March 15)

Bigamy. (March 15)

Marcy was married to Ed Smith. Unfortunately, she was also married to Ed Jones. The woman was eventually caught, charged with bigamy and brought to trial. 

When the incredulous judge asked how she could have done such a thing, Marcy replied, "Well, your honor, you know they say that two Eds are better than one."


Friday, March 14, 2014

Dodge City. (March 14)

Dodge City was a pretty rough town, nevertheless, they had an excellent little theatre group. One time they planned to perform the Swan Lake Ballet. 

On the day of dress rehearsal, it was discovered that moths had gotten into the tutus. Everything was ruined. The producer placed a call down to the Acme Costume Company in Wichita and learned they had plenty of tutus. The proprietor promised to ship the much needed garments over on a special train. They should arrive in plenty of time for the opening. 

Back at Dodge, everyone was in a big hurry and someone needed to go down to the depot and fetch the tutus. Butch, the biggest, toughest guy in town offered to see to it, so he went to the station and sat down. When the station master saw Butch, he went over and asked if he might be of help. Butch replied, "Thanks, I'm just waiting for the tutu train." 

Just In Case. (March 14)

Thursday, March 13, 2014

Frog Parking. (March 13)

The Knight. (March 13)

Sir Wilber was one of the lesser known knights of the round table, but he was an accomplished furniture maker. His latest creation was a magnificient armoir which he had covered with pure silver plate. When the piece was all polished up, it shined like nothing anyone had ever seen. 

The medieval hero was not ready to settle down yet, but Gracie, his girl, wanted to get married right away. She had become tired of waiting and decided to go to Wilber and pop the question herself. When Wilber saw the woman coming, he jumped into the armoir to hide. 

Gracie entered Wilber's quarters and looked around. She didn't see anybody and turned to leave. Suddenly Wilber sneezed. Gracie ran to the armoir and flung the door open. there stood Wilber: he was trapped! 

The next day, the castle newsletter's headline proclaimed: "Lady Gracie Finds Her Knight In Shining Armoir!" 

Snake Eyes (March 13)

On The Right Tack? (March 13)

The Acme Hardware Company's truck flipped over and spilled a big load of tacks onto the highway. By the time the police arrived, there were cars with flat tires everywhere---it was an awful mess! 

The cops got on their cell phones and tried to find someone to come and clean up the place, but couldn't get anyone who would accept responsibility. 

Then a BMW convertible screeched to a stop and the driver, a georgous blond, jumped out and wanted to know when she could proceed. One of the officers said, "Lady, if you know of anybody who can pick up all these tacks, we'd like to hear about it!" 

The blond replied, "Well, why don't you call the tacks collector?" 

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

The Tie. (March 12)

This guy wanted to get into a night club with a few friends. Unfortunately the dress code stated that without a tie he couldn't get in.

His friends didn't have a spare necktie between them but one of them said, 'Hey,I've got an idea. I have a set of jumper cables in the back of my car. Tie them round your neck, tuck in the ends and you should pass by the doormen.

On re-entering the club, one bouncer was suspicious of his neck wear. On inspection, he relented as long as the guy behaved ... and didn't start anything! 

Sometimes It's Like She Doesn't .... (March 12)

Food chat. (March 12)

The Leg. (March 12)

A salesman walks into a doctor's office and asks the doctor to inspect his leg. The salesman says, "Here, put your ear to my knee." 

The doctor puts his ear to the salesman's knee and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have five bucks, just five bucks?" 

The doctor steps back in horror, and the salesman says, "I know, but it gets worse. Put your ear to my shin." The doctor puts his ear to the salesman's shin and hears very faintly, "Come on, can I have ten bucks, just ten bucks?" 

Once again, the doctor stands up, very perplexed. The salesman then says, "If that surprises you, put your ear to my ankle." The doctor puts his ear to the salesman's ankle and hears oh so faintly, "Come on, can I have twenty bucks, just twenty bucks?"

The doctor then stands up and says, "Well, I can I make just one conclusion. Your leg is broke in three places."