Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Ghost Images. (April 30)

A man walked into a haunted house wanting to get a picture of a ghost with his instamatic camera. After a couple hours, he finally saw one. It was a friendly ghost who actually posed for the picture. 

The man took the first picture, but it turned out too dark. So the ghost posed for another one, and the picture again turned out dark. 

The ghost had to go so the man did not get a picture. 

Goes to show that the spirit was willing but the flash was weak. 

Animal Chat. (April 30)

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Cueless! (April 29)

There's this stage play in which the first act is about a cancelled lunar mission, and in the second, an actor has a number of lines to deliver in the role of a scam artist named Kohl. 

The first act comes off ok, but as Act II begins, the stage hand who is supposed to hold up the cue cards is not around, and nobody knows where he is. 

The actor who plays the scam artist is upset,and grumbles: "We can rescind a missile to the moon, but we can't find a cuer for the con-man Kohl!" 

Beat It! (April 29)

Monday, April 28, 2014

The Tamer. (April 28)

A lion tamer is walking a lion around downtown New York when he gets a call on his cell phone from the big cat's owner. The owner is on the observation deck of the Empire State Building, and wants the tamer to bring the lion up so it can see the city. 

On the ride up in the elevator, the animal becomes frightened, and attacks the tamer, mauling him severely. 

When they get off, the owner says to the tamer: "Boy, you look awful!" 

The tamer replies: "I'll tell you one thing, chief, I'm not taking this lion down!" 

I Feel So.... (April 28)

Sunday, April 27, 2014

The Beer Case. (April 27)

A college freshman on a dare stole twenty-three bottles of beer one night. 

But to his relief the District Attorney dropped the charges. 

She said she could not make a case of it! 

Stairwell. (April 27)

Saturday, April 26, 2014

The Dough Nut. (April 26)

Lady Guinevere. (April 26)

Lady Guinevere and Sir Lancelot have a big argument and Guinevere tells Lancelot she never wants to seen him again. 

Lancelot is so depressed he goes down to the local tavern to drown his misery by drinking some ale. 

Guinevere realizes the argument was silly and decides to find Lancelot and apologize. She sees his horse outside the tavern and goes in. 

A local man who is just leaving, recognizes Guinevere, and says to her: "What's a knight's girl like you doing in a place like this?" 

Friday, April 25, 2014

The Hairport. (April 25)

Jane lived in Hollywood, California, and Julie lived in Miami, Florida. They both could afford to have their hair done by Pierre in St. Louis. 

One day they both decided to have their hair done. They both called Pierre but he told them that he had only one spot left and that whoever would get there first could have it. 

Jane hopped into her private jet and Julie hopped into her own helicopter. Jane had to emergency land in Denver, but Julie made it to St. Louis for her hair appointment. 

The moral of the story is, the whirlybird gets the perm. 

Chili Peppers. (April 25)

Thursday, April 24, 2014

The Shy Girl (April 24)

Becky, a gold miner's daughter, dearly loved Clem, but was too shy to tell him. 

One day she learned that Clem was about to marry someone else, so she got her courage up and decided to find Clem, stop the wedding if necessary, and tell him how she felt. She had saddled her horse and was about to leave, when her father appeared and wanted to know why she was in such a hurry. 

"Oh, father," cried Becky, "I hope I can find my darling Clem in time!" 

Swatch Your Tone. (April 24)

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Trouser. (April 23)

Trouser was normally a happy-go-lucky dog. He would chase tennis balls, play with other doggies, and eat his dinner without a fuss. He was a dog without a care. 

But on that fateful autumn afternoon, it was to be different. Trouser's owners were walking him along a trail at the park, when suddenly from out of the bushes jumped a man all dressed in black. He had white paint on his face, and was gesturing annoyingly at Trouser's masters. This strange person spoke not a word, but proceeded to pretend that he was trapped in a box and that he was pulling on a long rope. 

Seeing the sheer horror on his masters' faces, Trouser took it upon himself to rectify the situation. With a low growl he jumped and sank his teeth into this annoying pseudo clown's leg. 

Trouser immediately got a sickened look in his eyes and began to vomit wildly. He then dragged his tongue all over the ground in an effort to remove the man's foul essence from his mouth. 

For Trouser had learned that a mime is a terrible thing to taste. 

Cheeses. (April 23)

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The Chipmunk. (April 22)

A chipmunk walked into a hardware store because he was redoing his bar. He asked the clerk where he could get one of those table tops that opens and shuts on a hinge.

The clerk wasn't sure. So the chipmunk said, "Yeah, you know, the kind those blue jays above me have."


"Oh," said the clerk, "You mean closing counters of the bird kind!" 

Emotional baggage. (April 23)

Monday, April 21, 2014

The Pizza. (April 21)

Two leftover bits of pizza were taken out to the trash behind the restaurant.


Lying with the other refuse, one said to the other, "Do you think we'll ever get out alive?"

The second responded, "Are you kidding me, all we are is crust in the bin." 

The Cat. (April 21)

Sunday, April 20, 2014

The Shuttle. (April 20)

The astronaut was packing for his first shuttle mission. 

As he wedged the paperback novel he had been reading into his case, his wife said to him, "Don't you think taking that book with you is a waste of space?" 

Get Gas. (April 20)

Saturday, April 19, 2014

Caesar and Brutus. (April 19)

The games at the Coliseum were scheduled to begin at three o'clock sharp, and Caesar decided to attend. He called Brutus, and instructed him to have the chariot standing by. 

"What time do you want to leave?", inquired Brutus. 

The Emperor, knowing that the ride from the palace to the Coliseum would take exactly an hour, and not wishing to be late, replied, "At two, Brute!" 

The Three Little Pigs. (April 18)

The Three Little Pigs were so lazy
they hated to work.
They wouldn't hold jobs as a carpenter, cleaner or clerk.

Instead they were burglars
who broke into houses to steal.
They took all the jewelery and artwork
that they could conceal.

When building their house they refused
to use mortar and bricks.
They wouldn't construct it with lumber
or even with sticks.

They couldn't be bothered with metal
or plastic or glass.
The pigs were so lazy they built it
with bundles of grass.

Well one night the piglets decided
to steal from the palace.
They broke in and stole every candlestick,
ladle and chalice.

They took every painting and rug
they could fit down the stairs,
and then they went back for
the king and the queen's royal chairs.

The took all their loot to the neighborhood
pawn shop to fence
for one hundred thirty eight dollars
and seventeen cents.

They sold every item they'd taken
except for the thrones.
And these they took home and positioned
right next to the phones.

The next day the Sheriff - one B.B. Wolfe -
blew down their house,
and found the two chairs that they took
from the king and his spouse.

The Three Little Pigs were arrested
and taken to jail,
to bring to a finish their twisted
and sad little tale.

Which proves if you build your own house
that you ought to use stones.
And piglets who live in grass houses
should never stow thrones. 

Kleptomaniacs. (April 19)

Complex Carbohydrates. (April 18)

Thursday, April 17, 2014

The Stoning. (April 17)

In ancient Palestine, there was a group of traveling actors who went from village to village entertaining the people. 

In one small village, the only son of one of the village elders was attracted to this life, and ran away with the actors when they moved on. 

When the boy's absence was noticed, the people pursued the actors, and cornered them among the rocks. The villagers picked up rocks and were preparing to throw them at the actors, but were unable to generate the nerve to start until the village chief pushed the boy's father forward, saying... 

"Let he who is without son stone the cast first!" 

Tearable Puns. (April 17)

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Keeping Birds Away. (April 16)

The jockey saw the horse groom sprinkling something behind his horse's neck. 

"What's that?" asked the jockey. 

"It's yeast", answered the groom. "This will discourage birds from mistakenly building nests in your horse's beautiful mane." 

"Will that really work?" asked the jockey. 

"Of course!" replied the groom, "for yeast is yeast and nest is nest, and never the mane shall tweet." 

What wakes you up in the morning? (April 16)

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The Help. (April 15)

Smitty was a heating and cooling technician. His assistant was a small chimpanzee he had trained to do all the duct work. The chimp had no fear of heights or confined spaces, and besides, he didn't have to be paid. 

One day, Smitty got a call from a customer who said his air conditioner had broken down. Smitty went over and discovered some defective ducting. The customer asked if it would be hard to fix. 

"No problem," replied Smitty, "I have a little duct ape that will take care of it!" 

Hungary for some puns? (April 15)

Monday, April 14, 2014

Pirate Destruction. (April 14)

Captain Kidd and his crew were on the high seas when they were attacked by Blackbeard, their arch enemy. 

The first shot by Blackbeard's gunners took off Kidd's forward mast. The second shot splintered the center mast, and the third desintegrated the rear mast. 

Panic stricken, one of Kidd's men asked what they should do. 

"We have no choice but to surrender", replied the pirate, "He's using weapons of mast destruction!" 

Second Man On The Moon. (April 14)

Sunday, April 13, 2014

The General Store. (April 13)

A famous merchandising tycoon told the following story at a conference: 

"There was town out in the Old west that had two general stores. Harry, who owned one of them was a workaholic. He opened early, stayed in the store all day and closed late. Even so, he barely made a living. 

Larry, who ran the other store, came in at nine. At ten he went out back where he kept some cattle, and made all the cows turn and face north. After lunch, Larry went out back again and made all the cows turn and face south. This practice was repeated every day.

Larry's store was successful and he became wealthy." 

The speaker then asked his audience if anyone could tell what principle of merchandising was illustrated by the story. 

A guy in the back stood up and said, "That's easy. The point is if you want to be successful in merchandising, it is important to rotate your stock!"

Puma. (April 13)

Saturday, April 12, 2014

The Deadly Scone. (April 12)

This English landlady had a couple of struggling poets for tenants. 

When the poor fellows got behind in their rent, and the landlady was unable to have them evicted. Instead, she decided to murder them. 

She baked a large scone and put some poison in it, then invited the poets down for tea. She served each of the chaps a cup of tea and half the scone. The poison worked as advertised, but of course crime does not pay, and the awful woman was soon arrested. 

Feigning innocence, she demanded to know with what she was being charged. 

The police inspector replied: "Well, it seems, madam, that you have killed two bards with one scone!" 

Another Reigny Day. (April 12)

Friday, April 11, 2014

Special Delivery. (April 11)

This woman ordered an exotic snake through a mail order operation. When the package arrived, there were only feathery necklaces in the box. 

Apparently, the boa cons tricked her. 


Whale of a time. (April 11)

Thursday, April 10, 2014

The Bell Ringer. (April 10)

A church's bell ringer passed away. So they posted the position and a man came in with no arms wanting the job. The clergy weren't sure he could do it, but he convinced them to let him try it. 

They climbed the bell tower and the guy ran toward the bell and hit it with his head. They gave him the job. 

The next day he went to ring the bell, tripped, bounced off the bell and fell to the sidewalk below. Two guys were walking past. 

One asked, "Do you know this guy?" 

The second guy responded, "No, but his face rings a bell." 

The next day, the dead bell ringer's twin brother comes in for the again vacant bell ringer position. He also has no arms. They lead him up to the bell tower, he runs at the bell, trips and falls to the sidewalk below. 

The same two guys walk by. 

The first asks, "Do you know him?" 

The second guy responds, "No, but he's a dead ringer for the guy we saw yesterday." 

The Manatee. (April 10)

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Purpose. (April 9)

A Grain of Truth? (April 9)

The Russians got sick of buying wheat from the Americans and began to spend millions on research into grains. Finally U.S. intelligence found out that the Russian scientists had developed a new grain that yielded twice the harvest of conventional wheat and grew in half the time. Several agents died before it was discovered that the new grain was called "Crilk". The CIA was panicked! Without Russian dependency on American grains the security of the West could be forever compromised.

Congress quickly convened and appropriated several hundred million dollars for the CIA to send up spy satellites over Russia to learn the secrets of Crilk.  Finally, after several years, the satellites began to send back images of the factory deep inside Russia that was processing the Crilk.  The CIA sent in over a hundred agents. None returned. The process remained a secret. The satellites were next to useless because they could only see the outside of the buildings, not the actual milling of the harvests. Finally the Russians in Washington sent a message to the President of the U.S. to let him know that all further attempts to learn the secrets would be futile.

The message read, "You are wasting your money. Everyone knows that it's no use spying over milled Crilk!" 

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

The Elevader. (April 8)

The Bounty Hunter. (April 8)

A bounty hunter rode into town one morning and went into the Sheriff's office. "Anyone with a price on his head round these parts?" asked the Bounty Hunter. 

"Well," said the Sheriff, "there's a $500 reward, dead or alive, for the Brown Paper Kid." 

"The Brown Paper Kid?!" Exclaimed the Bounty Hunter. "Who in tarnation is the Brown Paper Kid?"

"He's a varmint who wears a hat made from brown paper," replied the Sheriff. "His coat is made from brown paper. His shirts are made from brown paper. He wears pants made from brown paper and his boots are made from brown paper." 

"Well," says the Bounty Hunter, "and what's he wanted for?" 

The Sheriff replied, "He's wanted for rustling". 

Monday, April 7, 2014

Tacos. (April 7)

The Mechanic. (April 7)

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside. 

The grass eventually became overgrown. One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day. 

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. 

Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!" 

Sunday, April 6, 2014

No Intention. (April 6)

The Safari. (April 6)

Alfred Lord Tennyson went to visit Darkest Africa. While on safari, he became separated from the group, and was attacked by Laurie, a lioness who was the mascot of a local village chieftan. 

The cat swallowed Tennyson whole, but was stricken with a severe case of indigestion, and she threw up. The bard found himself back in the jungle, shaken but alive. 

When Laurie returned to the village, she told her master what had happened. 

After a while, Tennyson showed up at the village looking terrible, and seeking help. He related his horrible experience to the chieftan, who responded saying, "Oh, you must be the poet Laurie ate!"