The Essay. (May 9)

Sighing, the professor rapidly scanned the English 101 term paper on "Early American Railways" submitted by the class dunce, determined almost at a glance that large portions had been lifted verbatim and without attribution from Clemens' "The Gilded Age" and "Innocents Abroad," assigned a failing mark to the pathetic fraud, and scrawled in red across the cover sheet, "Come, sir, this is TOO, TOO TWAIN." 

The Bus Driver. (April 3)

When a man graduated from bus driver's school, his first assignment was the Sesame Street route.


At his first stop, he picked up a cow. When she got on the bus, she said, "Hello. My name is Patty." 


He replied, "Hello, Patty. Since you are the first one on, you get your choice of seats." 


She waddled on back and sat down. At the next stop he picked up another cow. As she got on, she said, "Hi there. My name is Patty." 


He answered, "That's unusual. The other passenger is also named Patty. Why don't you go back and sit on the other side of the aisle and talk to her. Maybe you have more in common than just your name." 


She went on back and sat opposite the other Patty and struck up a conversation. At the next stop, a little boy got on and said, "Hi! My name's Leonard Keyes. I've got some special socks, See?" 


The driver replied, "Those sure are special, Leonard. Have a seat and we'll get to your stop real soon. As he was driving to the next stop, he looked in his mirror and saw that Leonard had taken his socks off and draped them over the seat in front of him, and was picking his feet. 


He called back, "Leonard! What are you doing?" 


Leonard called back, "I've got bunions, and they're bothering me." 


At the next corner, the driver stopped the bus, got off, went to a pay phone, and called the bus garage. "I quit!" he said. 


The garage dispatcher asked why. 


He replied, "It's my first day on the job, and already I have 2 all beef Pattys, special socks, Leonard Keyes, picking bunions on the Sesame Street Run!"