Thursday, May 29, 2014

Winter storm. (May 29)

I was driving down a lonely northern road one cold winter day when it began to snow pretty heavily. 

My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. 

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea.

I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattlesnakes. 

I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades, and they worked just fine. 

Of course, that's because they were wind-chilled vipers.

The General. (May 28)

An ancient Serbian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial. 

However, from the jail he was able to secretly contact his followers to arrange to escape, meet his followers, and attack the king's palace at night. So the night before his scheduled execution, the general managed to escape from prison. He fled to a ziggurat several kilometers away, where his followers would meet him. However, the ziggurat was one of several in the area, and he wasn't sure if his cohorts would find the right ziggurat. By this time it was twilight, so he lit a small fire and sent smoke signals to indicate in which structure he was hiding. 

However, the king's loyal soldiers saw the smoke coming from the ziggurat, and came to arrest him before he could meet his followers. He was executed later that day. 

The moral of the story? WARNING: The Serbian general has determined that smoking ziggurats can be extremely hazardous to your stealth. 

Jam Packed. (May 29)

Litre of the Pack. (May 28)

Tuesday, May 27, 2014

Patton. (May 27)

During the invasion of Sicily in World War II, General George Patton was preparing to take the city of Palermo. He checked with his meteorologists and learned the day he had chosen would be incredibly rainy. So he issued an order to place copies of the New York 'Times' immediately beneath the tailgates of the transports carrying his troops. In this way the men could keep their feet dry. 

His staff was mystified. Why the "Times"? Why not the New York "Daily News"? Patton was adamant, and one did not argue with the General. 

As five tons of old copies of the "Times" were being loaded, the General issued one of his greatest quotes to the assembled war correspondents: "these are the 'times' that dry men's soles." 

An Escape Goat. (May 27)

Monday, May 26, 2014

A New Economy. (May 26)

In the 1900s an English town had fallen on really hard times. For decades its primary industry had been its textile mills, but now the mills were all closed and unemployment was at an all-time high. 

Desperate, the town's mayor looked frantically around for other industries to bring to his town. He found that there was a man in Germany who waslooking for someone to take over his thriving hunting dog breeding business. The man had made a fortune raising the animals and was not willing to unload it for a fraction of its value, so that he could retire. 

The mayor used his influence to have the mills converted to kennels and all of the dogs transported to his town. Employment skyrocketed and the town prospered. Everyone was happy, even though, sometimes--especially on the nights with a full moon--the animals got a little noisy, keeping some residents awake. 

But, even these unfortunate few learned to sigh and say, "The mills are alive with the hounds of Munich".

Humerus. (May 26)

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Colors of the Sea. (May 26)

Paints were a very precious quantity in the good old days, and British merchants could make a young fortune supplying paints to the colonies. 

One company sent a clipper ship full of red paint across the ocean. It had the very bad luck to collide with another ship full of blue paint. 

As a result of this disaster, both crews were... marooned. 

Walken. (May 25)

Saturday, May 24, 2014

The Panda. (May 25)

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" 

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!" 

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

I Find You To Be... (May 24)

Friday, May 23, 2014

Tough to Cook. (May 23)

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender." 

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?" 

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads." 

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!" 

Canned Vegetables. (May 23)

Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Scared Pig. (May 22)

A mother pig was walking through the barnyard one day with one of her piglets. Suddenly, a raccoon raced out from behind the barn and scared the living daylights out of the mother pig.

The little hog laughed to see such sport and the sow jumped over the coon. 

Leek in the Boat!!! (May 22)

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

The Symphony. (May 21)

The Symphony Orchestra was playing a concert in the park. They were in the middle of Beethoven's 9th Symphony. The basses, in the back of the orchestra, decided they had a few minutes to spare before being asked to play anything, so they ran across the street to the pub for some ale. It was a windy day, so they found some string to wrap around their music stands to secure their music while they were gone. Once at the tavern, they could hear the music and keep up with the progress of the piece. 

After a few rounds, they decided that they had to hurry because the last movement of the ninth symphony was under way. They stumbled back onto the bandstand and were fumbling with the string, trying to get it loose, but not having much success. The conductor saw what was happening and instantly sized up the situation: it was the bottom of the ninth, the score was tied and the basses were loaded. 

Clogged. (May 21)

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

The Dead Dog. (May 20)

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead. 

"Are you sure?", the distraught woman asked. "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?" 

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage. 

"Well, that confirms it." the vet announced. "Your dog is dead." 

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?" 

"That will be $330." the vet replied. 

"I don't believe it!!!", screamed the woman. "What did you do that cost $330!? 

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan." 

Reese Witherspoon. (May 20)

Monday, May 19, 2014

Strings. (May 19)

These three strings are walking along, dying of thirst in the middle of Death Valley. After a long, long trek. They come to a bar. 

"Boy, this is just in time...I can't go any farther." So he walks into the bar and orders a drink. 

"Can't you read the sign there? We don't serve no strings here" bellows the bartender. 

"But I'm going to die of thirst" protests the string. 

With that the bartender picks him up, and throws him out into the street. 

One of his buddies says "I'll disguise myself as a rope and go in to get us a drink." So, in he goes. 

"Hey, I thought I told your friend that we don't serve your kind here. Now get out that door before I stomp on you!" So he quickly retreats out the door. 

Finally the last string says "Hey, I've got an idea...I'll tie myself up like a pretzel, and frizzle out my ends, so he won't recognize me." So in he goes into the bar. He gets up to the bar and orders a drink. 

The bartender eyes him a little suspiciously. "Hey, aren't you one of those strings I told to get out of here?" 

To which the string answered "No, I'm a frayed knot."


Mood Swing. (May 19)

Sunday, May 18, 2014

The Census. (May 18)

A famous viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official. 

The official apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census." 

Cat Puns. (May 18)

Saturday, May 17, 2014

Rudolph. (May 17)

There was a russian man named Rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB. One evening Rudolph and his wife, were walking along, and it began to snow. 

"My, my, look at the lovely snow," said his wife. 

"No, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied Rudolph. 

"No, no, no, this is snow," she said. 

"Look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him." 

Rudolph went to the palace guard and said, "is it raining or snowing?" 

The guard was no dummy, so he said "what do YOU think it is doing, Rudolph?" 

Rudolph replied, "Raining." 

The guard said "Yes comrade, I was going to say raining, also!"

So Rudolph and his wife went walking off. The guard could just barely hear the KGB official say: "Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear." 

Critical. (May 17)

Friday, May 16, 2014

The Reign. (May 16)

Once there was a King who was loved by all of his subjects, especially because of the hunting excursions he shared with them. As will happen, one day he died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king was an animal-lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a short time before they ousted him. 

This is a truly significant event, because it's the first time a reign was called on account of the game. 

Baby on Board. (May 16)

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Blown Away! (May 15)

Two guys were standing inside a building of a local theme park. They were looking outside, and it was an extremely windy day. The area's custodian, the one who had the job of sweeping up debris, was a very small woman who didn't weigh much, and she was having a rough time trying to not be blown away. 

One guy joked with the lady, telling her that she would have to put heavy rocks in her shoes when she went outside to work. 

The lady looked up and replied, "You mean, now I weigh me down to sweep?" 

A Pile of Cats? (May 15)

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

The Silk Worm Race. (May 14)

Two male silk worms wanted the affections of a beautiful female silk worm. She said that she wanted which ever one could win a race. 

So the two silk worms started racing across to the finish line.

However ... they ended up in a tie!

Control. (May 14)

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

The Deduction. (May 13)

Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr Watson and announced: "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door." 

"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?" 

"It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson." 

Russian Dolls. (May 13)

Monday, May 12, 2014

The Choice. (May 12)

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes. 

"Oh" said the counselor, "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse." 

Too Much Time. (May 12)

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Saturday Morning TV. (May 10)

Given the reality of my generally recognized lack of maturity, I must confess that I frequently do enjoy children's weekend programming. However, I would prefer it to be educational. Sometimes, I get fooled. This last weekend for instance, I was tempted to watch an animated feature about the Capital of the Sudan in Africa.

Then, it came to me that it was just another Saturday morning Khartoum show. 

Astronauts Hang Out. (May 10)

The Space Bar !

Friday, May 9, 2014

The Essay. (May 9)

Sighing, the professor rapidly scanned the English 101 term paper on "Early American Railways" submitted by the class dunce, determined almost at a glance that large portions had been lifted verbatim and without attribution from Clemens' "The Gilded Age" and "Innocents Abroad," assigned a failing mark to the pathetic fraud, and scrawled in red across the cover sheet, "Come, sir, this is TOO, TOO TWAIN." 

Vacuum Repair. (May 9)

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Ice Delivery. (May 8)

A man had an ice delivery business. Most of his customers were bar owners. One day, he had two more stops to make. One at Barb's Place and one at Sue's Stop. Barb had forgotten to order ice this week and asked if he had any extra.

The man said, "No, I only have ice for Sue." 

Cheesey! (May 8)

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The Pie. (May 7)

When the Liberty Bell was forged, the Philadelphia city council decided to celebrate the inauguration by having a pie baking competition. 

There would be two categories. The best bell-shaped pie and the best overall pie. Competition was furious but all ended well as one of the winners was a popular senior nun from their local community who baked a superb vegetable dish. It had to be. 

Everybody knows that Mother Teresa Wins No Bell Peas Pie. 

Grammar. (May 7)

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

Oh Mercy! (May 6)

Mercy Hospital in Chicago is run by a group of nuns who came from Australia. Through the years the years they have gone out of their way to maintain ties with their native land -- putting up a large map of the country in the recpetion area, and serving Australian tea from tins decorated with koala bears. 

One night a patient calls a nun into his room and tells her how much he likes the hospital and the care. But he has one small complaint: he found some leaves in his tea. 

"Oh," the nun says, "the koala tea of Mercy is not strained." 

Plateaus. (May 6)

Monday, May 5, 2014

Hydrogen Atoms. (May 5)

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive"